Rambling Thoughts

Why?

nikki — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 06:11:14 +0000

I already have two college diplomas under my wings. Supposedly, I am already independent, way past needing any parental consent. Why is it then that up to now, I still bear the shouts, degradation and anger in silence? Why is it then that up to now I still don’t have complete control of my life? Why is it then that up to now people still tell me what to do.

I am an adult, I do not have to take all this. I long for the day when I am free. Free to roam, free to do as I please, free to BE ME!

I tried, I really tried.

nikki — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 10:56:33 +0000

It lasted almost 2 weeks. It would’ve been longer if only my dreams would let me be. I don’t know what it is you have over me that even in my sleep, you’re persistently there. I am not sure how to go about things but I know something has to change. I cannot go back to where we were before. I guess what went wrong was that I gave too much of myself. I should have left something for ME.

Again, at church today, I asked God what lesson I have to learn in all this. I asked why, what is the purpose? I still have no answers and I do not know when I will get them. But I know there is a purpose, there is a lesson. Someday, I will have to look back and say… oh, ok, I got it!

I have tried many time but I always come up with nothing every time. No matter what I do, I somehow loose the battle. For now, I would have to accept defeat, I cannot do anything to combat this. I would have to ride it out to the very end.

It is just…

nikki — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 15:04:09 +0000

Yes, what it was, was just another cycle; but I cannot think of only myself this time. He needs me so much more this time, I cannot be selfish.

There are still things that are not clear in my mind, there is still a lingering doubt. Nalilito pa din ako at hindi ko pa din alam kung sino ang papaniwalaan ko. I cannot however think of that right now. There were things said which were not good and even though I want to think that they were not meant, I just cannot let it go. There were also things said which I had been longing to hear but they could just have been said at the heat of the moment. I cannot dissect it right now, I have to focus on HIM.

I still hurt. I still feel unappreciated. I still get frustrated. I still cry BUT I cannot dwell on ME. I have to stretch my patience even though I feel like giving up. I don’t even know how this is going to end, all I know right now is that I have to be here, I have to hold on. I am just praying that everything will turn out fine. If I have to let go in the end, so be it.

Life is complicated

nikki — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:20:02 +0000

I don’t know what is happening. I am not sure where this is going. Maybe this just the beginning of another cycle. At the back of my mind, I know it is just that still, I’m afraid to find out where this is going to lead. I have never been this honest to anyone in my whole life and I have never bared my deepest feelings to anyone before. It scares me! Did I do the right thing?

I should be happy with what is happening. It just scares me that because of it, I might have to make life altering decisions in the next months to come. I’m afraid to choose because I do not know if I can and if I can, I am not sure if I will be making the right choice. I know I will hurt the people closest to my heart no matter what my choice will be. Can’t I just have the best of both worlds? BUT I am getting ahead of myself again.

I wish I had a crystal ball….

Normal? What normal?

nikki — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 17:57:30 +0000

Why do we seem to end up fighting every time we talk? It’s like you’re deliberately saying things just to provoke me. Maybe we’re just too different. You joke about something that has deeper meaning to me, I take offense but still try to keep my cool then we end up bantering and then you just stay quiet.

How can you not see that I am offended by what you were telling me? Can you not for once see where I am coming from? I am trying very hard to keep my cool on seeing those photos because I do not want to fight with you and I know you will just deny it anyway so what’s the use of harping about it? How can you ask me to say that when you know how I feel? You must be a sadist! Do you enjoy seeing me squirm? Does it give you satisfaction to know that you’re hurting my feelings? Can’t you lie to me and just answer yes to my question?

Do you even care? Can’t we be normal even just for once?

Just another profound sigh

nikki — Mon, 19 May 2008 17:19:19 +0000

When I said that the stars must be conspiring on something, I did not think that this is what it is. I thought we were past this stage. I feel a piercing pain. A pain I will once again bear on my own. I put up again a brave front. I will hold back as long as I can.

Just when I thought things are somehow settling into place, here comes another drawback. I know I should’ve been more trusting. I should’ve just shrugged off the nagging feeling. I am what I am though and I could not stop it.

Now I am listening on the other side of the wall. And I cannot do anything.

A lot of people are in deep pain and the one who’s responsible for all of this is fast asleep. Isn’t it so unfair?

Just as I am getting on with my own pain, I am again preparing for another. Gift of tears? I wish God didn’t trust me enough with this gift.

Poignant sadness

nikki — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:54:03 +0000

I am not even sure why the tears keep flowing

For what should have been

For what might be

For what is…

Fears

nikki — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:45:30 +0000

I am afraid that I might not be able to make my heart whole again.

I am afraid that I may never smile again.

I am afraid that the tears will never stop flowing.

I am afraid that I can’t picture myself being with someone else.

I am afraid that I might never find the happiness I am hoping for.

I am afraid that I might not love someone again as much as I love you…

Protected: Respect begets respect (Password: What YOU needed)

nikki — Thu, 15 May 2008 19:15:44 +0000

This post is password protected. You must visit the website and enter the password to continue reading.

Protected: Yet another quiet night (PASSWORD: Who makes you happy)

nikki — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:23:24 +0000

This post is password protected. You must visit the website and enter the password to continue reading.